Loss of A Child

In 2018, Kody and I were expecting twins and absolutely ecstatic about it! We were made aware of my being high risk from early in the first trimester. The twins were Monochorionic Diamniotic which means the babies shared a placenta, though they had separate amniotic sacs. I was under the care of an OB/GYN and a Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist. We followed absolutely every caution and recommendation set forth. 

Nothing in the world could prepare Kody and I for what they would tell us at 18 weeks. I was diagnosed with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I was also at Stage 3 of 5; 5 being the worst. Surgery was immanent. I had surgery the following morning and it was successful. The following appointments showed positive improvement for both of the boys.

Just three short weeks later we experienced the worst day of our lives. To lose a child is a pain that nobody should ever have to encounter. Defeat. Loss. Confusion. Anger. Sadness. Doubt. No amount of planning, organization or having your shit together can ever prepare you for the chaos that your heart takes on when you lose your children. If there were anything I could do to change the outcome, I would take it back and make sure our boys lived. I constantly question whether I could have done anything differently, done more…could I have saved you? If I hadn’t carried that bag or been stressed at work would you still be growing and thriving? 

Kody and I will never get to wake up tirelessly at night or change diapers or wipe their tears or comfort their fears. They never got to play or laugh or be held. We won’t get to hear their first words, see them learn to crawl or stumble to take their first steps. We don’t have the privilege of watching them become handsome young men. Calum Vonn and Declan Graham will forever be the baby boys that never had the chance to experience life; it was ripped from them so early.

“I had my own notion of grief. I thought it was the sad time that followed the death of someone your love. And you had to push through it to get to the other side. But I’m learning there is no other side. There is no pushing through. But rather, there is absorption. Adjustment. Acceptance. And grief is not a task to finish and move on, but an element of yourself, and alteration of your being. A new way of seeing life. A new definition of self.” –Gwen Flowers